The Spacious Life

What is patience? In the Reyaverse there is no such thing. There is impatience, oh my yes. Impatience is a form of anxiety brought on by rushing.

In my opinion, the antidote to impatience is spaciousness. I learned this by doing massage. During the first years of my practice, on days when I had a lot of clients, I often found myself thinking ahead, while in a session, to how many more clients I was scheduled to see that day. Doing massage is a vigorous workout. On days when I was a little off or tired or whatever, sometimes I became anxious. The urge was to push through the day of work, get it over as fast as possible. I would find myself speeding up. Clients feels impatience immediately; often they too become impatient. It does not make for a satisfying experience. I've received many a massage from chronically impatient therapists. Impatience has no place in a massage session.

I learned to identify the urge to rush after which I tried to mindfully, purposefully slow down. The moment I decide not to hurry, there's plenty of time/space. The hour seems longer than when I'm anxious. Impatience disappears, and everything works a lot better.

I've applied this valuable lesson to the rest of my life whenever possible, to my great benefit. I don't generally race down the street like most Washingtonians. I stroll, amble. This allows me to look around, to notice where I am. This is how I am able to take my pictures. I do walk fast sometimes. It's exhilarating. But too much fast walking makes me impatient. I don't want to stop for the traffic lights, people in front of me annoy me. I start dodging in and out of people, to keep up my impatient inertia. Silly, I know.

If you google "learn patience" you will come across a selection of absurd articles, like this one from Psychology Today, about practicing patience. She suggests that we learn patience in the most trying of circumstances, like standing in a long line at the grocery store or while in a traffic jam. That is absolutely the worst way to practice patience! To associate patience with frustration will not help anything. It's like suggesting that people learn to love walking by parking at the far edge of a shopping mall parking lot, then walking across the car park to the store and back. A terrible idea! Walking through a parking lot is no fun at all, and kind of nerve-wracking since someone could pull out suddenly or come wheeling around the corner. Ridiculous! If you want to learn to love walking, take a walk in a park or along a beautiful street with nice sidewalks. What are these people thinking?

If you want to practice patience, start with experiences you enjoy, but rush through habitually. If you like to cook, take extra time so you don't have to push and hurry. Turn on some music, pour a glass of wine, take your time. It completely changes the experience for me. Start with the small things that give you pleasure. I take my time putting on makeup, for instance. Self adornment is an age old art. I think about it that way, slow down, and enjoy the process. I only have to add 5 minutes to the time I spend with make up. It changes the experience.

In this way I reduce my impatience.

Emotional impatience arises as a result of intolerance for strong emotion. In a moment of strong emotion there can be an urge to rush quickly through it, get it over with.

I could write a long post about enduring strong emotions, something that is taboo in my society, with the exception of anger and happiness. An entire range of strong emotions is meant to be ignored or discouraged. Emotion is a physiological event that begins long before we are conscious of it. Once we identify the sensation, it becomes a feeling. We judge our feelings as if it's possible to control something already underway. These judgments are not rational.

I understand why we try to squelch sadness, fear and such. These states of being are not comfortable. They aren't fun. The practice of tolerating powerful emotion builds character. It isn't easy, especially in my society. We are shamed when we allow ourselves to fully feel. It causes so many problems.

Stuffing emotions creates a kind of impatience that's harder to address. I use the idea of acceptance to create a little space around these difficult emotional states. Sometimes I ask myself, "Can I be in a place of acceptance?" When I can, I'm more patient with myself and others. I can't always say yes, though, unfortunately. Just like others, I try to cajole myself out of my emotions sometimes, deny them. I try the fake-it-till-you-make-it approach, too of course. Occasionally it works.

Besides tolerance, there is breath. Slow, deep breaths help me tolerate strong emotional states. Nothing I've tried seems to make the experience spacious, though. How does one stroll through strong, unpleasant emotional states? You tell me.

Life is short but we can be spacious, we can take our time. The impatient life is a waste. We don't have to do it all. Believe me.

Shalom.

Whatever works

I heard a remarkable story about healing this morning. I should say I heard another remarkable story about healing. I hear these stories more often than you might imagine.

Today's story involves a young woman I saw a few times a couple of years ago. Poor thing. She was suffering from multiple phobias, eating disorders, and what seemed to me like PTSD, though it is out of my scope of practice to diagnose that. I was just guessing. She had been in therapy for years without making a lot of progress. She tried psychiatric drugs that made her suicidal. She received acupuncture, saw an herbalist, nutritionist, and so on and so on. She came to DC to spend some time with her grandmother after a horrible breakup with a boyfriend. The grandmother, unclear exactly how to help, sent her to me. After a few weeks, though she was no better, she went home to her parents' house. I hadn't heard anything further about her until this morning when I ran into her grandmother. She had a horrible accident - fell off a roof - smashed her face, knocked out all her teeth and broke a leg and an arm. How awful!

But something happened in that fall that turned things around for her.

After she got out of the hospital, she was somehow able to pull herself together, got a job while still on crutches, found a place to live away from her parents, met a nice man she's now dating. What a miraculous story. And mysterious, oh my.

It reminds me of a client whose knees always hurt her. There was nothing structurally wrong. She lost weight, did physical therapy, saw an osteopath, came to me for bodywork and still her knees always hurt. One day she tripped on the treacherous Capitol Hill brick sidewalks, came down hard right on her kneecaps. After that, her knees stopped hurting. No on can explain how that worked, no one. No one ever will.

I had a friend in San Francisco who suffered from a very rare blood cancer. He did well with the serious chemotherapy they used at the time to treat it, though the chemo never put him into remission. When he was at his worst, he would go to India and take photos, his favorite thing. Even though travel to and from India is arduous, not to mention uncomfortable, it was well worth it to him. When he returned from these trips, the doctors couldn't find a trace of the blood cancer. After a few weeks or few months, the cancer always returned. Incredible that traveling to India put him into remission. Go figure!

He travelled there once or twice a year for ten years. I have no doubt that his pilgrimages were what kept him alive. His pictures were wonderful. When he at last succumbed to the disease, his wife went to India alone. When she came back, she drank herself to death. It's a true story. May their spirits fly high.

The point being: the essence of healing is mysterious even to the most brilliant medical minds of all time. There is no one system of healing that always works for anyone. People swear by this system or that system. I personally swear by Chinese medicine, but it doesn't always work and does not work for everything. The type of medicine we swear by is a clear indication of personal philosophy, but not much more than that as far as I can tell.

We have to try to understand healing. When we suffer, we have to try to alleviate that suffering by whatever means makes sense to us. But we don't get it, even though human beings have engaged in the healing arts since forever ago. I believe medicine is the oldest art, no matter how the joke goes.

Good health is mostly good luck. It's important to work at it, to think about it, to try. If you're healthy, maybe stop right now and say thank you to the Universe for your good fortune. If you aren't healthy, please remember, it's not your fault. Also please do not fall off a roof because it probably will not work for you. OK?

To your health! L'chaim.

Become Stronger

A popular opinion in my society is that humans are "destroying the planet," or will destroy the planet. That's silly. A couple of million years after the last of us dies, there will be no trace left of us. Other species will rise. A couple of million years is nothing to Mama Gaia.

Of course we're really talking about earth as it exists at this moment in time, all lush and green with many species. Homo sapiens has overpopulated and is actively despoiling the habitat. This happens often on this planet - the overpopulation by one species and subsequent destruction of habitat. After that, there is a die off.

It happened during the Permian extinction. It happened to the dinosaurs. It will also happen to us. We are not separate from the earth - we are part of the biosphere of planet earth. The thought form that produces language like, "nature is good for you," or "get out into nature," -- inaccurate and, I think, dangerous - is a vestigial remnant of the old idea that man is at the top of the food chain, above the rest of the world, better than, smarter than, every other species. Oh the hubris. My goodness.

Many animals shape their environments. We have opposable thumbs and big brains so our nests, dens, and hives are really fancy. Though, if you look at a robin's nest and realize they did all that with only a beak - well - it's humbling in a really good way. Extraordinary we are, but better than? More talented than? Smarter than? No way.

Our species will experience a big die-off, and eventually, extinction like every species. It is inevitable. Me? I think it will be a virus or bacteria that gets us, like Ebola, for instance. The outbreak of Ebola in Africa scares me. They say they will be able to contain it. I hope they're right. It's much stronger now than when they started tracking it. With each outbreak, the virus gets smarter, and stronger. If not this time, maybe next time. Or maybe it will be another virus or bacteria. This is my doomsday theory. Cheers!

I was thinking about the Spanish flu pandemic of 1918-1920. For the world population of that time, it was a significant die-off. A hundred years later there are many more of us and much more of our environment has had to bear the impact of that. I think we're due.

I hope I'm wrong.

In the meantime, though, or - even if we aren't headed for a big pandemic of some kind - it behooves us to become stronger. In my society, we have weakened ourselves tremendously since World War I. We no longer engage in physical work unless we choose to do so. Even simple tasks like sweeping the floor, washing the dishes, raising and lowering a garage door, opening and closing car windows with a roller, standard transmissions and no power steering, though minor tasks in and of themselves, add up over the course of a day. The drudgery of the mundane is strengthening. Now we press a button and become weaker every day.

I understand our inventions are miraculous. I'm certain no one set out intentionally thinking of ways to make us weak and helpless. We are a very optimistic species, never anticipating the problems we create when we invent something new. We are so creative, we can't help ourselves. It's only with the 20/20 of hindsight that we realize where we went wrong.

Please become stronger.

Grunt work is strengthening!  Walk up and down stairs, wash the dishes by hand, scrub those pots and pans. Clean out your refrigerator or oven. Dust. Sweep the floor.

Engage in physical activity that's pleasurable. Please do this every day. That could be running or yoga or walking, dancing, sex, swimming ... do whatever you want. I don't include exercise "boot camps" under the heading of pleasurable.

Eat real food. Please? You can eat anything you want, including foods previously thought to be bad for you, like butter. No junk food. Empty calories only weaken us.

Get enough sleep. Do I have to explain why?

Spend time outdoors every day even if it's too hot, too cold, rainy, humid, chilly, windy or whatever. Shivering, sweating, cursing the weather - all of these are strengthening.

Learn something new every day. This strengthens your ability to solve problems and make good decisions.

Spend time with people you love. Being around beloveds strengthens the soul, it also strengthens the commitment to survive and thrive.

If it ain't broke, don't fix it. When you come down with a little cold or something, let your body fight it off. Rest, drink water, sleep. Give your immune system a chance before knocking back the Nyquil. Avoid antibiotics unless you really need them. Avoid sensation killers, also known as pain killers. They dull every kind of sensation, which will make you weaker. I'm not saying be stoic and in pain all the time, no way. There is a place for sensation killers and antibiotics. Avoid them when you can.

Connect with something bigger than yourself, something that feeds your soul. Finding your place in the family of things strengthens perspective and helps cultivate hope, even when all the news is grim. It wisely reminds us that we control almost nothing. This is strengthening.

Forge a relationship with spirit, God, Goddess, or whatever you want to call it. The Greater Wisdom, The Greater Kindness. These are terms I sometimes use since God triggers all kinds of associations that might not strengthen the relationship. I'm not talking about religion necessarily. I am talking about faith. Individuals who believe they are the ultimate authority, once under pressure, crumble so much faster than those who understand there is a big picture and connect with that big picture. Faith is strengthening.

Oh man, this Ebola outbreak has got me spooked. May it soon be contained! May it be so.

In my society we have grown so weak and become so foggy. May we grow stronger. May it be so!

Enter the Center

The best teachers at massage school remembered to say, before we began working on each other, "Center yourself." Not one of them explained how to center ourselves, though, which puzzled me since balance is so rare. Human beings are not designed to be eternally balanced. All is change with us, always. We are dynamic beings: soulful, tender, ambitious, loving and hating. We swing out of balance all the time, every day. We are in flux.

Centering methods are always referred to as practices, like meditation, for instance. It's a practice, not something that is achieved once and for all. No matter what the method, where or when it was devised, becoming centered is not a matter of doing it once or twice and that's it. Oh no. We have to keep at it.

There are so many ways to come back to center! I wouldn't think of trying to name them all. It really helps to find one or two that work for you, and then practice, practice, practice, even though you will never reach perfection.

Here's a centering method I use all the time. I toss it into the pool of centering practices today because it's a very dynamic week astrologically, a great week to practice coming back to center.

The first part can be the hardest. Become curious. This requires some openness that is easier for some than others. You want to be empty, not like the wine glass put away in the cupboard, but like the glass on the table, an open bottle of wine poised above it, about to be poured. Be empty, yet welcoming. Can you?

The next part is easy. Ask these questions internally, pause to notice what comes up, then go to the next question. You don't have to do anything, just pay attention. Please try not to judge yourself since that will take you out of your center. If nothing comes to you, that's fine, too. Just notice.

Ask yourself, What story am I telling myself right now? 

Ask yourself, How does my body feel right now?

Ask yourself, How is my emotional weather at this moment?

Ask yourself, Can I feel my connection to God? If you don't like the word God, find something else that is bigger than yourself. Can you feel your connection to the greater wisdom, greater kindness, to spirit, soul, unconditional love, universal love, that sort of thing.

That's all you have to do. Simply asking these questions helps me find my way back to my center. Even if that lasts only a few seconds, it is well worth it. I have access to wholeness and wisdom only in those brief moments when I'm centered.

Here, I'll do it right now.

What story am I telling myself right now? I'm thinking, these people who read this blog need to know about this centering method.

(Maybe, maybe not! But that's my story for now.)

How does my body feel right now? I'm feeling some stiffness from sitting on the sofa with my computer in my lap. I'm well rested, a little sniffly, peckish but not terribly hungry.

What is my emotional weather at this moment? Slightly anxious, which is not abnormal, a little worried, a little cranky, too.

Can I feel my connection to God? Yes. Thank you!

Even as I'm typing this final paragraph I can feel my thoughts shifting in different directions. My anxiety is urging me to Be Productive, my body is begging me to Get Up and Stretch. But for a second there, I was centered, present, with all my dirt in one spot, as we used to say in the Midwest. Layers of my being aligned and I was whole. I was aware. I was clear.

If you don't have a centering practice, well, why not? Give this one a shot. Take a meditation class. Go to yoga or t'ai chi. Sit down and pray.

Centering practice brings out the best in us. Right now, at this insane moment in history, we need the best of us. We surely do.

Shalom.

Instinctual

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It is not a popular opinion, my sense that we homo sapiens, no matter how we wish to transcend matters of flesh and blood, are instinctually motivated, always - yes - always. Because of our humongous brains we're able to weave lovely narratives to describe behavior in ways that make what we do sound lofty, somehow above our instincts, beyond our limits. If only! It's ambitious, but of course that's a part of who we are as a species. Problems arise because we are so invested in our narratives. We believe them to be "true" - whatever that is. It's a conundrum.

I will survive explains everything we do. Survival is the god of instincts. Like the many arms on a Hindu deity, survival takes on many shapes, colors, descriptions. There is a lengthy spectrum of survival behaviors, from brutal violence to great philanthropy, and everything between. We are really complicated animals, endlessly creative, tender, soulful. All among us are driven by the instinct to survive, thrive, and make more of us.

I mention this because of the Malaysian airplane shot out of the sky, because of the ground invasion of Gaza by Israel. Here in DC, on FB, on the radio, in the newspapers, every story is full of horror and outrage. It's a completely understandable urge to think the Russian separatists are not like us. They're animals, unable to rise above their instincts. How could they?

Maybe they're like us, but less fortunate, way less fortunate than the president, members of Congress, also far less fortunate than the crowd at the coffee shop on Capitol Hill. We in my community, even the most desperate among us, lives a life far more luxurious than most of humankind has ever experienced anywhere on earth. Yes, we often take it for granted. I do, too.

I have no idea how anyone could fire a rocket at an airplane, but then I have never been truly hungry either. That I can't imagine that behavior betrays my incredibly comfortable life situation. My survival instinct expresses itself by way of duck and cover behavior. I hide, and I survive. In many situations, that wouldn't work out over time. I have a truly luxurious life.

How to do you survive? What's your strategy? Have you ever thought about it? What is the narrative of your strategy? It's interesting, at least to me.

Good to remember: humans are capable of love and compassion. It's in there, it is. Through love and compassion, we can move along the rainbow bridge of instinct from survival to something more opulent, a state in which we can thrive, in which we can become generous. To get there I believe the basic needs must be met: food, shelter, that sort of thing. It's hard to be generous when hungry or in pain.

Every person I know on Capitol Hill has the luxury of developing love and compassion because we live so well. My prayers today are not about vanquishing the bad guys, whatever that means, or even assessing blame, something many people are eager to do. My prayer today is that the hearts of those who can afford it will open in love, connection and trust instead of blame and outrage. Adding more of that energy can not possibly help unravel the tangle of this moment in time. Let our hearts and minds be clear and calm in the midst of the insanity. May it be so.

May these horrible situations unwind without spinning out of control. May we survive - all of us. May it be so. Shalom.

Act your age

Four Cones, Ursula von Rydingsvard, National Gallery of Art, cedar and graphite.

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Human beings are not designed to be healthy or live very long lives, no we are not. We're designed to be really motivated to, and very good at, making babies. As a species, we have excelled at the making of babies and oh my are we ever motivated to try. Sex is everything to our species. It is such a pleasure that we are now in a place where sex often has nothing to do with the instinctual urge to procreate. The instinct is there for sure, but we have added a lot of flourishes to it. We have turned sex into a high art of expression, connection, and creative inspiration. We are so clever.

We are down with the idea of sex, we surely are. It's the successful completion of pregnancy, and particularly labor and delivery, that is so difficult. Until very recently, women and babies died all the time in the process of childbirth. Our heads are so big. Babies and mothers still die regularly from childbirth, actually, though in my culture we have made some progress in helping babies be safely born.

I could write another post about this leap in evolution that we're now in the process of experiencing. Our brains are learning to function differently in order to adapt to the changing climate, hence we will not have to grow bigger heads to accommodate bigger brains as we have in the past. That evolutionary strategy, of increased cranial size, will no longer work. Instead, we are changing not only how we think, but how we think about how we think.

But that's not what this post is about. It's about we old people and how we just have to stop buying in to the idea that old age is so horrible. We have to stop pretending to be younger. We must stop - for god's sake - our grousing about how we wish we were young again. Old folks: KNOCK IT OFF!

I know it is instinctual to wish to be young, because it's only while young that we can make babies. This is the most foundational instinct we have.

Make. Babies.

Up until recently, there weren't that many old people. One hundred years ago the average life expectancy was fifty. In my grandparents' generation, living to sixty was an extraordinary accomplishment. Living to one hundred, almost unheard of. As a species, we have always been sickly, which is why healing is the oldest art, and why there are so many different approaches to healing. We are tender and need a lot of help. It was almost a miracle to live a long life until recently.

What I imagine is that old people before the modern era were revered for bucking the statistical probabilities, or were viewed in the same way as a foreign exchange student, unusual and therefore exotic in some sense.

Now there are so many old people, oh my. Folks of every age are scrambling to adjust. The greatest generation parents lived long enough to be put into assisted living, then nursing homes and wheel chairs, where they withered away. We boomers want none of that kind of experience. We dream of old people communes with younger people coming in to help now and again. Capitol Hill Village is a perfect example of the way my generation is trying to accommodate the reality of our long, long lives.

I wonder what the kids of my generation will do? They're too young right now to imagine it's going to be a reality for themselves. They're way too busy doing young adult things like expanding their fiefdoms, being successful, climbing the ladder in some way or another, establishing themselves. Also they are very busy making babies or at least thinking about sex all the time. This is perfectly healthy and normal. Old age shouldn't seem real to a 30 or even a 40 something.

One thing that would really help them figure out better solutions to this fortunate dilemma is to actually look forward to it. The only way for us to set a good example is to stand tall and be proud of our longevity.

I often decry the rampant ageism that's part of my society. It's every bit as serious as the weight thing. Yet we old people, who should know better, contribute to the ageism by lying about our ages, getting hideous plastic surgery, and using the word "old" as if it means being a total, helpless deadbeat who smells funny.

People: you can be a total, helpless deadbeat who smells funny at any age! I mean, really.

The fact that we can't have babies any longer, and mostly don't care much about trying, is a Good Thing. There are plenty of humans - we don't have to have more of them. What we need is a body of people who are willing to hold history, to be grounded and light hearted, active, thoughtful. We could be great elders, wise advisors, to the grandchildren. They could use some help from people who have been around the block once or twice. But why would they ask us when we're knocking ourselves out trying to pretend to still be young?

We could guide, reassure and encourage the grandchildren. We could show them by example how wonderful it is to live a long life. Why don't we?

It will not make you bulletproof.

The U.S. is suffering from an epidemic of gun violence. If you are not alarmed by the mass shootings, the sheer volume of gun murders and suicides, and recent pictures of people carrying rifles and assault weapons around in big box stores, well, I wonder why.

It is a serious epidemic. As with all crises, many people think they know how to solve the problem, in this case via gun control or more emphasis on mental health, both of which I support fully, I should say. Some people think more people should have guns. That doesn't sound right, does it?

As usual, I am uninterested in the politics of this crisis. I'm alarmed and afraid, but I don't think I have the answer, which is bound to be complicated, and I will not point the finger at any group or individual. It never helps to increase the energy of divisiveness, it never helps to intensify anger and fear, especially when so many citizens are packing heat, as they used to say. There's plenty of acrimony to go around.

I hope we're at the peak of the slaughter. I hope and pray that the epidemic will soon begin to wane through health care or legislation. Or maybe people will wake up to the seriousness of the epidemic and change their behavior, their mindset.

Maybe.

The evidence of this epidemic has found its way even into the world of health food. This is a link to a post I wrote in 2012 about health food.

There have been many fashions and fads in health food. What is thought to be great for everyone varies from decade to decade. I remember when food combining was the big thing. Another era I remember had to do with how much water we should drink, and when. It was thought that drinking water along with a meal was a Very Bad Thing.

Almost always there is some juice or tea that everyone swears by. A few of the allegedly magical elixirs that come to mind include wheat grass juice, pomegranate juice, green tea, white tea, Acai juice and coconut water. Smoothies and vegetable juices have enjoyed a long wave of popularity.

Ah yes, the Fountain of Youth from which we can drink and be healed. There's always something that's thought to be the answer to all our woes. Just before buttered coffee, I think the elixir of choice was coconut water, or maybe more recent than that is the kale smoothie as elixir. I remember way back to the wheat grass juice era of the 1970s. Oh that stuff was vile. During my mother's generation, castor oil and/or cod liver oil were thought to be elixirs.

There's always a magical healing elixir that will make you smarter, healthier and slimmer. We humans are, in many ways, predictable. That we can't remember the last elixir didn't do anything special is remarkable. We are tender, hopeful beings.

Another pointer to the seriousness of the gun violence epidemic is that the au courant health elixir, buttered coffee, is called "Bulletproof." We are so deep into this epidemic, what we want is a jolt of caffeine pumped up with protein. Do we hope that with a burst of energy we'll be able to escape the mad person with the gun around every corner? That might be a part of why bulletproof coffee is now so in style.

The name is chilling. We wish to be bulletproof. Oh man, the gun violence sickness is serious. Very, very serious. To those who hold fondly to the idea that health elixirs are the answer to anything, please listen: buttered coffee will not make you bulletproof. I guarantee it. We will have to find another way.

I pray for an end to this violence. I pray that people will lay down their guns, lay down their anger, soften and open to a better way. May it be so. Shalom.